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| i put two coats of mascara on today.
i put three layers of blush on and
you can barely see my eyes through all the black kohl.
i am not feeling great today.
it could be the weather or
it could be the disposable images
i finally got processed at target.
or it could be the disappointment my mom felt
when I visited her this weekend.
the speech, the lecture she always gives
this time, to deaf ears.
Sometimes there's a darkness,
a black cloud that floats around in my stomach
as it causes me to be hungry and be unhappy.
sometimes i think the black cloud is my truth
or my subconscious. but most of the time it's the unknown,
the change in my environment
the utter fear i feel when i wake up
and, for a minute, forget where i am.
i have many tops of lipstick on right now and
i doubt it'll last very long
but it gives me temporary satisfaction and
it makes it easier to look in the mirror.
I guess what i'm trying to say is
i'm not feeling so great today.
maybe it's the weather or
maybe it's the disposables.
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| i think it's become clear that you have.
i'll stop instigating and i'll stop attempting.
i'll start waiting and start expecting but
don't be fooled.
because i won't wait long and
i won't wait with hope.
i think that time period in this experience has passed
and the moving on begins.
it's just so unfortunate because,
as much as you don't realize it,
you won't be forgotten. | | |
| i hope you can find your identity
and you can stop believing everything around you
i hope you can figure out whats
true and what's false,
for you and only you
i hope you realize it's never too late to learn
and it's never too early to be eager
i hope you feed your soul until it grows fat
and there's no room for any of your doubts and fears to live
i hope you live with good intentions and
i hope you know goodness is a choice
i want you to stop fearing and start experiencing
i hope you stop making excuses and
try being honest. with me and with yourself
i hope you stop hoping and do
and you keep doing for as long as you're breathing
you will stop counting what you aint got
because it's all a matter of perception
literally, figuratively, realistically
you are here and no one can take away
what you won't let them take.
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| tonight, something important happened. i guess.
I think i've waited a really long time for this and
anticipated it for years.
tonight, with M in the car, listening to cat power
for the first time, it happened.
and i really don't know how to react.
I can be happy, but I don't know if i should.
I think this fucks things a little, a lot actually.
I don't think he wants to be happy,
not with me anyway.
I don't necessarily think I want to be happy,
with him, anyways.
But a part of me is still hoping.
Yearning, a bit.
I liked the tenderness of it,
the soft spots,
the succulent and slow rhythm.
I liked the reproachful touches and
the foreignness of it all.
I can't imagine how long it lasted,
not long I'm supposing.
I can't know if he enjoyed it or not,
I don't entirely understand if I enjoyed it
or not.
I just know the softness of his hair
the roughness of his lips
the minty flavor of his breath
the bump of his teeth
the softness of his blanket in the
deep warmth of his car.
I understand the fluttering in my stomach and
the chemistry behind it as well.
I understand the emotional, the chemical,
but not the mechanical.
I know the what's and the who's and the how's
but no idea about the why's or the how come's.
I feel his perfume clinging to my clothing,
I felt his hand brush my coarse hair.
Most of all, I still feel the tinging of my upper lip
where his beard scratched me, repeatedly.
This is not a love poem,
this is not a lust poem,
this is not a poem about a lover
or a friend
or a companion
this is not a poem.
This is the story of a journey,
of an adventure.
I told Brad once, or twice,
that I can't make myself form opinions
until i thoroughly understand something.
I never ever thoroughly understand anything.
I never thoroughly form opinions.
I'll roll around the flavors in my mouth and
the thoughts milling through my head.
There is no rush to understanding
there is no rush to learning.
There is something different about me today
can you tell?
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| I've thought about this a lot and
I've talked to some people about this too
My opinion seems to be made but something always pulls me back from following through with it.
I want to experience the new, the unknown,
I want to hear the interesting and
get caught off guard by the unexpected.
I like to keep my mind open,
my opinions sealed, and my eyes observant.
I enjoy life that way.
But then there are those exceptions.
Do you surround yourself by everything
and trust yourself to filter what is and isn't right?
Or is it true that your environment shapes you.
that the longer you are swimming in the same water,
and rolling and turning in the same dirt
and breathing in the same air,
the less the behavior bothers you.
I met a shop owner yesterday,
his name was Yossi.
He said that if you hang in a group of sluts
or if you even hang around one slut long enough,
and their behavior doesn't bother you,
well, the more like them you actually are.
I refused to believe him and
my refutals seemed effective enough
and convincing enough, but maybe it was just me
I was convincing.
The core I'm trying to reach,
the point I'm trying to understand is
whether the people I'm hanging around are
benefiting me or cursing me and
the person I'm trying to become.
I've always been a bit of an independent person,
in the sense that I've always been a bit alone
and I've always had enough room to form my opinions.
I'm afraid of changing in ways I don't want to change.
I wish I knew how to measure that.
I'll just keep writing about it and maybe the longer,
the more I write, the better I'll understand.
It's about perspective and
I can feel it shifting.
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